lionhearted: Watch me fly.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

How do you tell someone you miss them so much that your bones ache and how do people expect you to find the words when there are none that come even close to the truth. Because words are heavy and they come slow, like waiting for something special to happen on down the road. And what are you supposed to do when there are no words left and every lake has run dry; what can you say when every path has led you home and yet you know that there is something more. Summer goes with no farewell except the fading leaves and occasional glimpses of memories; autumn comes around and big dreams suddenly become real. And I've always been the one who knew what to say when someone was hurting but I never know what to do when it is my own heart that is on the line, and my mind that is filled with voices and colors that are all blending together to make a jigsaw puzzle for me to solve. Broken glass is so much easier to pick up when you aren't the one whose hand is bleeding and words come so much easier when your heart is not aching so much it hurts to breathe. Oil and water don't mix and I guess I see now why I found my locket wrapped in a note of goodbye: I love too fiercely. But I'm okay with that; I'm okay with flying high and crashing to the ground. I'm okay with seeing the view from the top of the mountain right before I fall and I'd rather have spent all this time with you then to have never met you at all. And I'm not trying to put on a brave face or conquer this battle alone but sometimes there are things that cannot be spoken about or made sense of; because there are voices in my head that won't stop yelling and I've tried to understand, but I guess this is life and maybe we weren't meant to understand, not just yet. And I just want to tell you that the burning in my throat and eyes from the smoke you left behind is going away and I can now see the sunset with the burning hues of orange without thinking of the fire you started. And I know that I will see your ghost around here for awhile; your laugh with haunt the house and your smile will keep me awake, but I'm letting go. I should have done it sooner, I should have waved goodbye when you left, but I'm doing it now. And my dreams are big, I know, I want to change this world and I want to reach people and show them things that they don't want to think about, but I know I'm just a kid in your eyes. You think I'm the child that got lost somewhere along the way and you wouldn't be wrong. I did get lost, I got lost in the craziness and amazement of it all; I got lost somewhere between the words and my heart. I got lost in the blank pages of a journal and I got lost so close to home. But I'm working on being found, I'm learning to leave the confusion in His hands, I'm trying to think past the words spoken and listen to to His voice instead of my own fear, and I'm learning who I am in the process. Or actually, I'm learning who I'm not, and I'm not who you think I am. So what do you tell them when they ask to speak your mind, how do you describe the terrible fears and overwhelming joys. What will you say when they tell you to leave a part of your story behind and how will you react when they act like you don't have a choice. How do you paint colors that you aren't so sure you're seeing and how did life suddenly become so wonderful and fearful and crazy. And just so you know, I'm not writing for anyone anymore. I've suddenly decided that I would rather be free and I just want to feel the wind on my face as I fall

                         so
                           watch
                                   me
                                        fly.

xx. Amy Jane

____________________

Have a great and wonderful day, friends!
And please excuse the jumbled togetherness of this post
I don't know why the words come out the way they do sometimes.

oh, and just to let you know?
You guys are pretty rad. Seriously, you're awesome.

2 comments:

GraceSeptember 30, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Oh, darling!!! This sounds like something that came from my heart, but I'd never be able to write down in words. It's so full of the crazy messiness of life but the wonder and beauty of flying and falling and getting back up and picking up those pieces that you know hurt but are worth every single bit.
I love too fiercely too. But to love people like you, it's all the more worth it. ;) xx

postscript: I sent ya a little something in the mail. hope you get it soon. ;)
marciaOctober 1, 2013 at 8:14 AM
Oh, girl. I have tears in my eyes. This was so real and beautiful. The last few months I realized that I do love too fiercely, but I thought it was a bad thing. September taught me that is wasn't a bad thing after all, and then I saw this quote on tumblr that blew me away:

"What my friend told me as to why my heart just can’t shut off to people once I love them. It hurts. A lot.
"You love so hard."
She also said, “Don’t ask God to turn off something in you that is actually a representation of Him.”

that blew my socks off, I had never thought about it that way. Goodbye's hurt so much. It all happens so quickly and it feels as though someone stabbed you in the heart and left the knife inside. (gross, but accurate.) Even when the knife is removed, you go on for weeks with that stabbing pain, and wondering how the the other person can go on as if nothing happened. And then you wonder if it was actually real or if it was all just a dream. Eventually the pain starts to fade and you don't think about it every day, but then you hear that song on the radio- our song, or you drive by the building that held all of the memories, and then the waves of pain come back. And you realize that it will never go completely away. It feels like that person carved their name in your heart saying "I was here and it was real." And that will never fade. But if you wait long enough, you will discover that the time you had together was good. *cue Taylor Swift - Holy Ground here* ;).
Anyways, I'll shut up now; I've already written a mini novel here. But in all seriousness-your writing has gotten even better than it was before lately. #sosogood.

Hi there, friends! I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read my words, and especially for sharing your thoughts with me. It always makes my day. You guys are the best, just sayin'. :)

9.30.2013

Watch me fly.

2 comments: