Refocus

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I've been doing a lot of running lately, mostly from fear. I like to tell myself that if you keep one pace ahead of that dreadful monster you'll be safe, but it never ends up actually happening. It's more like the fear eats you alive and completely takes over. And amidst that running, the restlessness, the stress and continual knot in my stomach, a ray of truth crept into my heart and whispered for me to listen. 

         Be still, be still, be still.

And I realized that instead of running to God I've been running from Him and maybe I've known that all along but I've always been as stubborn as a donkey that doesn't want to move and sometimes I like to try things my way. But how many times do I have to try it by myself before I start believing that I can't do it? Because the honest truth is that I have no wisdom apart from what He wishes to impart upon me and that I have absolutely no skill for making decisions. Goodness, I can't even pick out a necklace, let alone make a life changing decision! And well... the truth is that I haven't only been running, I've been freaking out. And I guess that isn't something new, I mean, I tend to freak out about a lot of things and sometimes it is not in a negative sense but these last couple weeks? It has been definitely negative. Because when I lose my focus, take my eyes off of Him and look to the water..... 
      
     I start to sink.

There is no nice way to say it and at the moment I don't want to be nice to myself because I am a fool rushing in. All this anxiety, all this fear and spontaneous blurring of vision can only mean that I am looking to myself for guidance. again. That I am once again taking control and grabbing the reins with both hands. [I never even notice that I actually don't have control] 
It's interesting how these things in life can completely careen us out of control and show us just what we are made of. Deep down, beneath all the layers of "filthy rags" that we adorn ourselves with, and right at the center of our heart we are so much weaker then we think. And all this makes me wonder about the pain we inflict upon His heart when we look away from His face once again and lean on our own strength. I'm talking about real pain. Because I think when you love someone as much as He loves us [no, I don't understand it] then when they cease to trust in you it must rip your heart in two.
 And so why do we do it? It makes no sense. Zero. Zit.  
So I am through with running... but if I run anywhere:  

          Jesus, I'm running straight to You.

And I am not saying that I'm not scared anymore because I am. But maybe true courage isn't about the absence of fear but trusting that no matter what comes it will be for the best. It will be His choice after all and He's got this. 

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p.s. For all of the people who are wondering whether I made a decision on which college I've decided to enroll into... I haven't. I don't feel ready to leave and yet I know I will feel like such a coward if I stay because I am afraid. I guess we will see where the Lord leads... that is all I can say.

p.s.s. I'm not sure if this made any sense, it doesn't even make a lot of sense to myself. But thank you anyway... thank you for reading the scrambled thoughts of this heart. 

 \\listen\\