Just You and me || thoughts

  "For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness." -Psalm 107:9

|| I judge so easily and I am tired of it. I am not better. I am not more spiritual. in fact, you have probably learned things that God hasn't revealed to me yet, or might never reveal to me. *mental note to self: this is a journey. we are all traveling. None of us have arrived yet and no one is perfect. accept people the way they are: do.not.judge.||

|| The way the sky looked right after sunset. it was so very vast and stretched out beyond the mountains and over the plains. the clouds were gray and the sky was blue and tears lingered in my eyes, because it was so beautiful and Jesus loves me. me, amy... the one who doesn't deserve it. at all.||

|| It doesn't matter what people think. I've been caught in this trap for years and I am finally beginning to see a bit of light at the end of this tunnel. (although I know I still have so much to learn. sigh) It seems that for months I have been afraid to let my mask of "oh, I'm doing good/great/fine/awesome" slip away. I've keeping up the charade; letting the game go on... afraid to show what I was really feeling. I couldn't stand the thought of being vulnerable, of opening my heart and being at their mercy. but Jesus sees my heart. even when I try to hide it and put on a mask, He sees every heartache. every joy. every secret... and you know what I have learned? He is so very gentle. yes, we stand vulnerable before Him, but He takes those scars and wounds; He takes those tear filled nights and gently fills them with Himself... and that is when I realize: it isn't about the people. it isn't about what they think about me (am I spiritual enough? do they think I am a servant... etc, etc.) but about my relationship with Jesus Christ. it's a complete different world when you step into the realm of it being only Jesus as your critic (that isn't the right word but I can't think of anything else at the moment), only Jesus as the One that you need to answer to regarding standards; because you begin to realize that people might judge you, yes... people may look down on you for being honest, yes... people will hurt you and you will cry, but it isn't about them anymore. My standards and beliefs are between God and me. ||

|| breathe... for today. It seems like my life is wrapped up in waiting: waiting until I am eighteen and can buy a car, waiting for the house to sell and our trip to Europe, waiting for an adventure that I can write about. I am constantly waiting: sometimes I even find myself waiting for something that I don't  know about yet. It might sound rather silly... waiting for something you don't know exists, but that is what I am doing. I am holding my breath. counting the days. looking for the future rather than living in today. Don't get me wrong; as a Christian we should keep our future always in front of us and never forget what we are striving for. I am not trying to advocate the people that say, "live for today!" "do whatever you want; tomorrow might never come!" no... but I do know that I want to start living more in today. I want to start being mindful of everything around me and the people that come into my life. I want to live less from habit and more by purpose. ||

"Sometimes there's a place in your heart you know is there, but you don't know all the colors of it. You see it in black and white, but then one day it comes to life like a rainbow, all clearly painted in colors so vivid there's no way to avoid the truth of it." Jennifer Erin Valent, Catching Moondrops

I've had so many thoughts racing through my brain and maybe one day I'll share them with you, but for now I have to begin to understand them myself. because thoughts can be elusive; one moment they are there teasing you, and then they flutter out as quickly as they came. sometimes they are in black + white and sometimes they come in color; either way, one must sit and ponder them. mull over them until they become clearer. at least... I do.

  yours truly: Amy Jane

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