CHOOSING TO STAY

I keep  

finding myself looking for a place to hide when the waters rage with darkening waves or the mountains howl with blinding storms. I catch myself curling up into a ball and withdrawing, as fear ties my stomach into a knot I could never hope to unravel. That is when I find myself longing for the independence to just leave when it gets too much. To be able to disappear when it feels like my heart cannot take anymore. I know what pain feels like and I'm being wise, I would say or, why put myself into that position again? I would wonder. I'm always on the move, running, running, running away. 

Relationships are hard and sometimes I want to back away slowly and then just dash around the corner because the silence is getting loud again. Sometimes I do not know what to say so I disappear all together- wishing I knew what to do with my hands and wishing I was not so awkward. Some mornings I wake up and look in the mirror and shake my head as I decide that I do not look beautiful- so I stay inside, hiding within my insecurities, rather than face a world that could crush me. Fighting for my soul or the souls of others sometimes seems too hard when I cannot even make myself get out of bed, and all the pressure that we put on ourselves to look a certain way or fit into a certain category or work so desperately hard to make sure we cannot be boxed in; sometimes hiding seems like the only option- hiding from ourselves.

I have noticed that the very first thing that I do after I have been hurt physically, whether in training or even just a jab to my injured elbow, is to let go. If I am holding something in my hands I will drop it or if my elbow is throbbing I have to consciously force myself to keep holding on to that mug I was carrying upstairs, and try to push beyond the ache, because my fingers suddenly stop responding. Pain makes us want to let go- it makes us feel like we cannot hold on any longer and so we drop that friendship and watch as it shatters upon impact as we grip our bruised past. We push away church and anything that has to do with Christianity, and gingerly hold the broken pieces that "Jesus followers" have smashed by their religion. Pain consumes and completely takes over with added doubts and fears- so we hide in the graveyard of our scars and stare at all the memorials we have made; while carefully locking the gate to keep out anyone that our broken edges could damage or to prevent the risk of ever being vulnerable again. Hiding with our pain certainly protects us from vulnerability, but it does not, ironically enough, protect us from pain. Because we cannot hold on to our pain and hold on to those we love at the same time. Pain shuts all doors, not just the ones we choose, and while the ones who truly love us will keep trying to break them down- they will feel the bitter cold rushing from our hearts.

Yet what if hiding is okay? And I have just been going to the wrong places? What if staying is the best thing we could do? What if hiding is something that we have made to sound negative and weak; when it could actually be one of the bravest things for us to do as we look beyond ourselves? Because I feel like I have been forcing myself to stand completely still as the waves crash over my head and I keep telling myself to stand back up when I fall, that God cannot love me unless I am brave and stay to face the storm, but I see something different as I desperately crawl to His thrown and beg Him for help. I see a loving Father telling me to run to Him and hide in His arms- where it is truly safe. I see the One who, never faints nor grows weary, explaining to me that I do not need to stand alone- that He (the One who has all the angels and all of heaven on His side) is right next to me and holding me up when my legs will not carry the weight of me any longer. God is a Refuge and a Defender- Someone who is for us and whose love cannot fail. That is where I will hide when the pain becomes so heavy that I can feel the weight pressing down on my lungs. I will hide in the knowledge that Jesus thought I was worth dying for. I will find shelter in the same One who commanded the waves and the wind to cease their rage- when my hope fails I will find that my hope is Jesus. 

I feel like sometimes it is okay to break down and cry tears that are raw, ugly, and gut-wrenching; I think sometimes the way gets hard and people are thoughtless and words hurt and it is okay to feel pain. Yet the only place that will bring healing or any comfort from the haunting heaviness- is in God's presence. So yes- go hide when it becomes too much to handle, but hide in the shadow of His wings. Hide in His promises and hide in the knowledge that God's love conquered death and that nothing can end His love.

I always think that my walk with God is not legit until I can do it on my own, but in truth, it is not legit until I learn that I cannot do it by my own strength and that I need help.

Do you want to be brave?

These last couple months that word, brave (and all of its beautiful synonyms), has been my goal and the constant theme that has been beating in my heart. I never realized before in how many situations that word needs to planted- now I have found another one. You want to be brave? Then stay. Staying means dealing with the pain if it comes. It means being there to say goodbye and not running away from the dull ache that absence brings. Yes, sometimes relationships are messy and difficult and they do not make sense, but love means staying and looking beyond the mistakes and choosing to see the good all over again. Jesus stayed. He could have called the angels and wiped out all of His enemies and all the people calling to crucify Him, but He did not. He died that day in suffering agony and He stayed- for you and me. 

photo cred: the brother