lionhearted

"So I will be bold as well as strong,

and use my head alongside my heart." 

-Mumford + Sons

One thing I know for sure // God is good no matter what, and I know this closing of a chapter is not the end, but rather a new beginning. I feel it deep in my bones that one day the tide will change and I will be swept back to shore. I can already feel the waters swirling as they bring me back.

It has been a wild adventure of wanting so much to trust, but not daring to fall; longing to love, but not wanting the pain that goes with it. A withdrawing, a new hesitation, a folding of hopes and not being able to let go. The ocean water became cold, and in my shivers I stared up at the sky and prayed for daylight, for sun, for warmth. 

It came. 

We ran to the park and played ultimate, barefoot on green grass, the sun setting like a halo over the mountains. Eventually we were driven out by the blood-thirsty mosquitoes, and we raced back to the house, flip flops in hand, hardly feeling the road beneath my feet. We danced until we were out of breath, the yard filled with happy people, each trying to keep in time with the beat (while learning new steps), but having too much fun to care. Music filled the night air and laughter rippled like a gentle stream, surrounding us on every side. When we were tired, (but our hearts could have gone on forever) we settled ourselves under the twinkling lights and sang some of our favorite songs, while also learning new ones; worship filling the night air, real and completely honest. Prayers were exchanged, and new friends were made. It felt oh- so good to be alive. 

Maybe we cannot let go until a new door opens, when the old story can forever become a part of our past, and we can accept that, turning the page, not looking back. And who knows, maybe this will all crash to the ground and we will fall... again, but love is always worth the risk, and what if we don't fall? What if opportunities are lost, friendships are broken without ever being made, because we hide? Hide from the fact that it might hurt, so we choose to not feel at all, and we lose everything we might have gained. 

Love hurts. I do not know whether I can fully say those words without a part of my heart cringing and retreating, and I lose myself in past ghosts of memories. Yet maybe that is just natural, to feel fear, to hear the frozen whispers and toss and turn until night fades into morning. Yet I want to step out again and take that risk, lose myself in the faith that no matter what happens, God is good. Knowing that I might crash and burn, but realizing that love wipes away every tear, even if the heart still hurts. I want to feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins, feel the excitement of not being able to sleep because you get to see them the next day.

 Surely, this is the adventure of our life time, and this is just the beginning. 

++Amy Jane 

loving: this quote, this short story, this verse