The story of a girl who just realized that she doesn't know

I am a leader. 

I've been one for as long as I can remember; I've always been organizing and planning, taking charge when leadership was required: I know what needs to be done and I do it. I've stepped on people's toes and crossed the line between being a leader and being a plain nuisance. Taking advice from others proves to be a non-natural process and biting my tongue when I really want to say something is the worst thing since spiders.  I tend to lean toward independence and like making my own decisions. I know where I stand and I don't care what people think...  but I'm not so sure anymore. 

I haven't listened to a lot of music lately; at least not as much as I usually do. I just haven't had the hunch or the desire to listen to music that doesn't coincide with my soul. It's like my soul has been begging for silence; so I've been remembering and having flashbacks from the past. Memories float through my line of vision and I can almost hear the words and laughter. I've been dreaming about the future and lovely little wisps of truth have floated into my life. Yet it's hard, being told that you're wrong, something bunches up in your stomach and your first thought is, but I'm right! yet deep down you know you aren't. And suddenly, everything that you spoke about and everything that you've talked about so strongly is crumbling around your feet and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. I'm confused and I don't have the answers, and let me just say this: I can't abide not knowing. There is a part of me that desperately longs for truth, and it's a never ending hunger for knowledge. 

This time of silence has been good for me: I've had to face the fact that I don't know everything but I do know Someone who does: that I don't have all the answers. See, I jump too fast. I judge hastily and think I know the person; I dive in without thinking and speak without pondering. I've been a fool rushing in. And it's not like my heart is sad but more that my heart is going through a cleansing; a time of reflection and deep contemplation. There have been tears, yes, but not the heavy kind. They've been the kind of tears that when they hit the ground they set you free. And I've realized that amidst the beauty of the high country I've forgotten that down in the valley where things aren't as pretty is where I can make the biggest difference; that loving people who don't love you back is the most beautiful song. I forgot... 

And although I don't have all the answers; although I see faintly through a glass, I feel warmth and promise. I feel not only spring, but summer. I feel hope. And this valley is not all that bad; faults that you never saw before and truths that were obscure until now are becoming clear and it almost makes the surroundings beautiful. I can almost see the color in the dirt. 

And this is the story of a girl who just realized that she doesn't know.

::Amy Jane

p.s. yes, I forgot about the giveaway and I am so sorry. Thank you for your patience and I will let you know as soon I am ready to begin.